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A Doctor, a Civil Engineer, a Computer Scientist
An Engineer, a Physicist and a Mathematician
Mechanical, Electrical and Civil Engineers
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Phsicist
An Engineer, a Mathematician, an Analytical Chemist and a Fire
An Engineer and a Woman on an Island
Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and
were discussing their work. The first said,
"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to
operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in
alphabetical order." The Third said, "I like to operate on
electricians. You open them up and everything inside is
color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on
lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and
their heads and their butts are interchangeable."
Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always
understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."
A doctor, a civil engineer, and a computer scientist were
arguing
about what was the oldest profession in the world. The doctor
remarked "Well, in the Bible it says that God created Eve from a rib
taken from Adam. This clearly required surgery so I can rightly
claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."
The civil engineer interrupted and said "But even earlier
in the
book of Genesis, it states that God created the order of the heavens
and the earth from out of the chaos. This was the first and
certainly the most spectacular application of civil engineering.
Therefore, fair doctor, you are wrong; mine is the oldest profession
in the world."
The computer scientist leaned back in his chair, smiled,
and said
confidently, "Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?"
- Historian: Pi has always been a number of great interest, dating
back to Egypt's Pharaohs...
- Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between
the circumference of a circle and its diameter.
- Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005
- Engineer: 'bout 3.
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics
student were each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money
to find out exactly how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The
physics
student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball
bearings, a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the
drop of ball bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the
height from the time it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest
until they impacted with the sidewalk.
The math student waited until the sun was going down, then
she took
out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad,
measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof
made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height
of
the building.
Of course, with all that was involved in getting this experiment
done, they were up plenty late studing for other courses' exams.
These two students bumped into the engineering student
the next
day, who looked quite refreshed. When asked what he did to find the
height of the building he replied:
"Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks,
asked him
how tall the hotel was, and went inside for happy hour!"
An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician
As an experiment, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician
are placed in separate rooms and left with a can of food, but no can
opener.
A day later, the rooms are opened, one-by-one.
In the first room, the engineer is snoring, with a battered,
opened and
emptied can. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry, he
beat the can to its failure point.
In the second room, the physicist is seen mouthing equations,
with a can
popped open beside him. When asked, he explains that when he got hungry,
he
examined the stress points of the can, applied pressure, and "pop!"
In the third room, the mathematician is found sweating,
and mumbling to
himself, "Assume the can is open, assume the can is open..."
Mechanical, Electrical and Civil Engineers
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical
engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections." the last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street
cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other
side of the street. First they see two people going into the house.
Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of
the
house. They are puzzled by the discrepancy.
The Physicist concludes: "The measurement wasn't accurate".
The Biologist's conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it
will be empty again."
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer
are about to be
guillotined.
The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope
and nothing happens
-- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's
let go.
The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't
release the blade,
he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime he is set free
too.
They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine,
he looks up at
the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......".
An Engineer, a Mathematician, an Analytical Chemist and a Fire!
An engineer, a mathematician, and an analytical chemist
all live next to
each other. One night, the engineer's house catches on fire. He calls
the fire dept.,
but they don't respond. So he says, "Well, all I have to do is to come
up with some
device to deliver the maximum amount of water to the fire in the minimum
amount of time.
No problem!" And so he succeeds in putting out the fire. However, he
inundated his house
with so much water that all of his belongings were destroyed by water
damage.
The next night, oddly enough, the mathematician's house
catches on fire and the fire dept.
still won't respond. But this time, the mathematician had learned from
his friend the
engineer's mistake. So he says, "All I have to do is calculate, making
a few quite estimates
as to the heat, oxygen concentration, and amount of combustible material,
I should be able to
calculate exactly how much water I need to put out the fire without
causing water damage.
So he gets a pencil and a pad of paper and sets to work. Several hours
later, he finally comes
up with the answer. Unfortunately, by then, he had no house to save;
it was a pile of ashes.
Sure enough, the next night, the analytical chemist's house
caught on fire. He surveys the
situation, thinks for a moment, then whips out one enormous buret,
fills it with water, and
begins to titrate his house fire. Thus, he was able to quickly deliver
enough water to the fire
without going over the endpoint and causing water damage. The engineer
and the
mathematician looked on in awe. When the last drop of water extinguished
the last glowing
ember, the analytical chemist proceeded to dump kerosene all over his
house and set it alight.
"What the hell are you doing?!" cried the engineer and the mathematician.
"Well," says the analytical chemist, "I wanted to see if the data was
repeatable."
An Engineer and a Woman on an Island
A rather inhibited engineer finally splurged on a luxury
cruise to the
Caribbean. It was the "craziest" thing he had ever done in his life.
Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon
the huge
ship, capsizing it like a child's toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately
hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded
island.
Outside of beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas
and coconuts,
there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under
the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous
woman in a small rowboat appeared.
"I'm from the other side of the island," she said. "Were
you on the
cruise ship, too?"
"Yes, I was, " he answered. "But where did you get that
rowboat?"
"Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove
the reinforced
gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus
tree."
"But, what did you use for tools?" asked the man.
"There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed
on the south
side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature
in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that's how
I
got the tools. But, enough of that," she said. "Where have you been
living
all this time? I don't see any shelter."
"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the beach,"
he said.
"Would you like to come to my place?" the woman asked.
The engineer
nodded dumbly.
She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island,
and tied up the
boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back
splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid and around
a
Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
"It's not much, but I call it home." Inside, she said, "Sit down please;
would you like to have a drink?"
"No, thanks," said the man. "One more coconut juice and
I'll throw up!"
"It won't be coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have
a crude still
out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas."
Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink,
and they sat
down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman
asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?"
"No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of my life
until I ende
up on this island."
"Well if you'd like to shave, there's a razor upstairs
in the bathroom
cabinet."
The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs
to the bathroom
and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp.
Next he
showered -- not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed
to get warm water into the bathroom -- and went back downstairs. He
couldn't
help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked.
"You look great," said the woman. "I think I'll go up
and slip into
something more comfortable."
As she did, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. She
returned in a
revealing gown fashioned out of pounded palm fronds.
"Tell me," she asked, "we've both been out here for a
very long time
with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven't you been lonely,
too...isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something
that
all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have
right now!"
"Yes there is!" the man replied, shucking off his shyness.
"There is
something I've wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone,
it
was just...well, it was impossible."
"Well, it's not impossible, any more," the woman said.
The man, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: "You
mean...
you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR EMAIL HERE!!??!!"
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam
for his
graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or
endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using
Boyle's Law
or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we
postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they
do,
then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls
moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to hell, it will
not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different
religions that
exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you
are
not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are
more than one of these religions and people don't belong to more than
one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls
in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's
Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the
same,
the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls
enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase
until
all hell breaks loose.
Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of
souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell
freezes over.
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