A Rabbit's Thesis

Final Exam

Why God Never Received Tenure?

SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting
outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

FOX: "What are you working on?"
RABBIT: "My thesis."
FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?"
RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
    (incredulous pause)
FOX: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
RABBIT: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few
minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

WOLF: "What's that you're writing?"
RABBIT: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
    (loud guffaws)
WOLF: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
RABBIT: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of
fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other
side of the room, rabbit's SUPERVISOR: a huge lion belching
and picking his teeth.

_________________________

MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
It doesn't matter what you use for data.

What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.

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Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
Questions:

   History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to
the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively,
on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical
impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise
and specific.

   Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of
gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not
suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen
minutes.

   Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the
classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except
Latin or Greek.

   Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent
human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million
years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on
the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

   Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with
flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

   Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the
emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis,
Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations
from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not
necessary to translate.

   Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might
accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test
your theory.

   Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have
been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction
manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger
will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel
necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

   Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national
debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following
areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of
Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize
this method from all possible points of view. Point out the
deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your
answer to the last question.

   Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside
you. Start World War III. Report at length on its
socio-political effects if any.

   Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the
validity of your stand.

   Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on
science.

   Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate
its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind
of thought.

   General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

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Why God Never Received Tenure?

1. Because He had only one major publication.
2. And it was in Hebrew.
3. And it had no references.
4. And it wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. And some even doubt He wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He published or
   done since?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. His scientific communtiy has had a rough time trying to repeat His results.

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