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During my second month of nursing school, our professor gave us a
pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the
questions, until I read the last one. "What is the first name of the woman
who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark haired and in her 50's,
but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before class ended,
one student asked if the last question would count on our quiz grade.
"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers you will meet many people.
All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

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Consultant

A man walks into a Silicon Valley pet store looking to buy a monkey.

   The store owner points towards three identical looking monkeys in
politically-correct, animal-friendly natural mini-habitats.
   "The one on the left costs $500," says the store owner.
   "Why so much?" asks the customer.
   "Because it can program in C," answers the store owner.
   The customer inquires about the next monkey and is told, "That one
costs $1500, because it knows Visual C++ and Object-Relational
technology."

The startled man then asks about the third monkey. "That one costs
$3000," answers the store owner.

"3000 dollars!!" exclaims the man. "What can that one do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen it do a
single thing, but it calls itself a Consultant."

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How to Recognize a Consultant?

A guy is driving around in his Porsche in the countryside. He
stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd
and says "I've got an offer. I'll guess how many sheep you've got
in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with
me, and if I guess wrong, you get my car."

Shepherd thinks he's on to a sure thing and agrees. "137"
says the driver."Damn me, you're right.", says the shepherd and
dutifully hands over a sheep.

   The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car, and is about
to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window.
"I've got a proposal for you. If I can guess what you do for
a living, I get to take your car. If I'm wrong, you can have
all my sheep." "Done", says the driver, counting up the number of
nights he could be kept happy with 137 sheep.
   "You're a consultant.", says the shepherd.
   "Bloody hell, how did you guess?"
   "Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already
know, and then you charge me for it."

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The Government Employee

    A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom,
decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes
through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.
    "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and
takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie
appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice
cold diet Pepsi right now!" He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.
    Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.
    "I wish to be on an island where beautiful sexy women
reside." Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females
eyeing him lustfully.
     He tells the genie his third and last wish:
     "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."
     POOF!
     He's back in his government office.

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Japanese and American Companies

A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race; the
Japanese won by a mile!

The Americans hired an analyst to figure out what went wrong.
They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and
seven rowing, while the Americans had seven managing and
one rowing!

The American company immediately restructured its team. So now
they had one senior manager, six management consultants and one
rower.

In the rematch the Japanese won by two miles....so the American
company fired the rower.

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What is the Reward?

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his
fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast
out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the
warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach,
trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He
noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to
find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working
harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the
businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather
than lying on the beach!"

The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and
replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the
businessman's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman,
still smiling.

   The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be
able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"
   "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.
   The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with
the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some
people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.
The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand?
You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the
world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the
fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich
that you will never have to work for your living again!
You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach,
looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!"

The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what
do you think I'm doing right now?"

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Recruitment

There once was a human resource manager who lived her whole life without
ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she
made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation.

One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and
she died.

Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a
human resource manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to
do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." Said the human resource manager.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders."

What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and
then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven"

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the human resource manager in an elevator and it
went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and the human resource
manager found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful
golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of
her were all her friends - fellow human resource managers that she had
worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for
her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She
met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a
great time telling jokes and dancing. The human resource manager was
having a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody
shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator
went up-up- up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter
waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven."

So the human resource manager spent the next 24 hours lounging around on
clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before
she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you
must choose your eternity." The human resource manager paused for a second
and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has
been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the human resource
manager went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator
opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in
garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were
picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her
and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the human resource manager, "yesterday I was
here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and
we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and
all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled, "That's because yesterday we were
recruiting you, but today you're staff."

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The Rise and Fall of Casual Day

Memo No. 1:

Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual
Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2:

Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for
Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or
moccasins.

Memo No. 3:

Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning
Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4:

A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m.
Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is
mandatory.

Memo No. 5:

As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task
Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6:

The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of
"Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed
to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear"
and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist
before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the
appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF
representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7:

Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued,
effective immediately.

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Fifty Reasons Why We Delay Change

1. We've never done it before. 2. Nobody else ever has done it.

3. It has never been tried before. 4. We tried it before.

5. Another company/person tried it before.

6. We've been doing it this way for twenty-five years.

7. It won't work in a small company. 8. It won't work in a large company.

9. It won't work in our company. 10. Why change? It's working okay.

11. The boss will never buy it. 12. It needs further investigation.

13. Our competitiors are not doing it. 14. It's too much trouble to change.

15. Our company is different. 16. The ad departments says it can't be sold.

17. Production says it's a bad idea. 18. The service department won't like it.

19. The janitor says it can't be done. 20. It can't be done.

21. We don't have the money. 22. We don't have the personnel.

23. We don't have the equipment. 24. The union will scream.

25. It's too visionary. 26. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

27. It's too radical a change. 28. It's beyond my responsibility.

29. It's not my job. 30. We don't have the time.

31. It will obsolete other procedures. 32. Customers won't buy it.

33. It's contrary to policy. 34. It will increase overhead.

35. The emplyoees will never buy it. 36. It's not our problem.

37. I don't like it. 38. You're right, but...

39. We're not ready for it. 40. It needs more thought.

41. Management won't accept it. 42. We can't take the chance.

43. We'd lose money on it. 44. It takes too long to pay out.

45. We're doing all right as it is. 46. It needs committee study.

47. Competition won't like it. 48. It needs sleeping on.

49. It won't work in the department. 50. It's impossible.

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Laws of Office Murphology

1. In any organization, there will always be one person who
knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

2. a. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
b. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
c. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.

3. The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the
one time the Boss walks in your office.

4. Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

5. An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful than
a complex, incomprehensible truth.

6. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing
theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.

7. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that
you've got it made.

8. Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking
about.

9. If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man - he will
find an easier way to do it.

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...in the Limited World of Management Consulting

A McKinsey Consultant and a IBM Consultant are sitting next to
each other on a flight from Munich to London. The McKinsey Consultant
leans over to the IBM Consultant and asks if he would like to play a fun game.
The IBM Consultant just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls
over to the window to catch a few winks.

The McKinsey Consultant persists and explains that the game is real easy and
a lotta fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer,
I'll pay you $5."

Again, the IBM Consultant politely declines and tries to get to sleep. The
McKinsey Consultant, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the
answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!"
This catches the IBM Consultant's attention, and he sees no end to this torment
unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Mckinsey Consultant asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The IBM Consultant doesn't say a word, but reaches into
his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the McKinsey Consultant.
Now, it's the IBM Consultant's turn. He asks the McKinsey Consultant
"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?"
The McKinsey Consultant looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out
his laptop computer and searches all of his references.He taps into the Airphone
with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. He hooks
into the McKinsey Knowledgebase, and consults with his peers around the
world-all to no avail. After about an hour, he wakes the IBM Consultant and
hands him $50.

The IBM Consultant politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get
back to sleep. The McKinsey Consultant, more than a little miffed, shakes the
IBM Consultant and asks "Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the IBM Consultant reaches into his wallet, hands the
McKinsey Consultant $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

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Buzzwords for Managers

COLUMN I COLUMN II COLUMN III

--------------------- --------------------- --------------------

0. integrated            0. management                  0. options
1. heuristic             1. organizational             1. flexibility
2. systematized        2. monitored                     2. capability
3. parallel              3. reciprocal                     3 . mobility
4. functional           4. digital                             4. programming
5. responsive          5. logistical                      5. scenarios
6. optional               6. transitional                    6. time-phase
7. synchronized       7. incremental                    7. projection
8. compatible          8. third-generation           8. hardware
9. futuristic            9. policy                             9. contingency

The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, and then
select the corresponding buzzword from each column.

For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection,"
a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a sincere
ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest
idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that THEY

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Trying to Get Reorganized

A man visited his doctor and demanded "I just got to have a liver
transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a lung transplant,
a cornea tran..."

The doctor exploded "WHAT!!!???? Why do you think you need all these
transplants?"

The patient explained, "I am just trying to get reorganized."

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TO: Public release

RE: Organizational Changes at the North Pole

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take
the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern
about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring
decisions at the North Pole. Streamlining was necessary due to the North
Pole's loss of dominance of the season's gift distribution business. Home
shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's
market share. He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit
picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late
model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from
Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is
anticipated. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental
emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies,
in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose
got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph
"a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load"
was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken
out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North
Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective
immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the
"Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:

- The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant,
providing considerable savings in maintenance;

- The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned.
The positions are therefore eliminated;

- The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the
French;

- The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

- The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious
metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in
order;

- The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.
It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is
an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an
upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets will be a good one;

- The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance
their outplacement;

- As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.
The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.
Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring
or a-mulching;

- Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

- Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing
this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be
somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply
of unemployed congressmen this year;

- Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the
band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music
and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line;

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over
twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be
improved.Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking
expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is
pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in
the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is
the right number.

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