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How the old rich man has made his money?
Five Signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's!
Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies
How the old rich man has made his money?
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,
"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I
was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day
polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the
apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I
spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm
for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end
of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch
speeding drivers, a State Trooper sees a car
puttering along at 22 m.p.h. He thinks to himself,
"This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So
he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five
old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the
back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him,
"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the
speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding,
but you should know that driving slower than the
speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the
speed limit exactly ... twenty-two miles an hour!"
the old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle
explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the
speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the
officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is
everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully
shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this
whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We
just got off Route 119."
Five signs You've Had Too Much of the 90's!
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3
- You try to enter your password on the microwave.
- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner
is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet
this year.
- Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college
roommate used to play, called "Rocking to the Oldies"
When I stopped the bus to pick up little five year old Chris for
preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked Chris when he boarded.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"
"At the airport," Chris replied.
"Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."
Attending a wedding for the first time,
a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and
today is the happiest
day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,
then said, "So why's
the groom wearing black?"
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino,
puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke. She puts some more
coins into the machine, and another can of coke pops out.
She keeps putting in coins, and cans of coke keep coming
out. A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use
the machine?" The Blonde says,
"SCRAM! Can't you see I'm winning?"
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The following exchange takes place....
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife
a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not
wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your
husband talk to you this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told
him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied
that he did not need a whole head, just a half head. The boy said he
would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said,
"there's some idiot out
there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was
finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other
half. " The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager called on the boy and said,
"you almost got
yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and
we
like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, sir."
"oh, really? why did you leave canada?" asked the manager.
"because there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
the boy replied. "Hey! My wife is from Canada!" announced the offended
manager.
The boy replied, "Really! what team did she play for?"
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple
days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard
some strange noises coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard
some faint, unrecognizable
music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the
town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the
grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's
Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the
Eighth Symphony,
and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept
listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening
dawned on the
magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered
in
the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Three friends go to a bar for a drink. They order a bottle of
champagne from the assistant who brings it to them and charges
$30. They each pay him $10. When the owner of the bar returns,
the assistant tells him he didn't know how much to charge for the
champagne (a brand they hardly ever sell) and that he has charged
them $30. The owner says this is too much - it should have cost $25
and tells him to give them $5 back. The assistant takes 5 one dollar
coins from the till and realizing he can't divide the $5 evenly among
three people gives each person $1 back and puts the other $2 in his
pocket.
Now, each person paid $9 for their share of the champagne
3x$9 = $27 plus the $2 the assistant put in his pocket makes $29.
Where is the missing dollar?
I asked an economist for her phone number....and she gave me an estimate.
3 Biggest Software Lies:
- The program's fully tested and bug-free.
- We're working on the documentation.
- Of course we can modify it.
3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
- People are our greatest resource.
- We say 'let the marketplace decide'.
3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
- Immediate delivery?...No problem.
- We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
- We're going out to lunch to talk business.
3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies:
- Some day this course will come in handy.
- These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
- This is the way they do it in industry.
3 Biggest student teacher lies:
- The school will help and support you all they can.
- This teaching course is interesting and stimulating.
- Kids today are just the same as when you went to school.
3 Biggest politician lies:
- I'll be factual and to the point.
- I'll give you a straightforward answer to your question.
- The government doesn't waste taxpayers money.
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live
with
a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to
read
and write. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual
sin.
Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white
child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to
talk
with the missionary.
"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman
gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever
set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what
has been
going on!"
The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What
you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look
to
thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them
is one
black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief pauses for a moment then says "Tell you what, you don't say
anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the
white
child"
Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies
* Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba
diving.
* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
* It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
* The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
* Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.
* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown
through it before long.
* If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster
or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist
trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
* Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen
at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light
instead.
* The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding
place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and
you can travel to any other part of the building you want
without difficulty.
* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it
will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent
will do.
* During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once.
* Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within
the price range of most people - whether they are employed or
not.
* All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
* The Chief of Police is always black.
* All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up
to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the
man
lying beside her.
* All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
* If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more
ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
* When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you
take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over.
It will always be the exact fare.
* Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation.
She's
laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the
corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the
theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the
sheet away and
starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another
man
in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same
examinations.
When the third man starts examining her body so closely,
she grows
impatient and says:
"All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when
are you going
to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have
no idea.
We're just painting the corridor."
There's a big conference of beer producers in the most
beautiful
town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands...
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer
companies
decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders
a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors
orders a Coors and the list goes on...
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants
to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness
orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask...
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at
the
Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting
to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing
junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment.
In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding
strict control or total elimination of the chemical
"dihydrogen monoxide."
And for plenty of good reasons, since:
1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients
He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.
Forty-three (43) said yes, six (6) were undecided,
and only one (1) knew that the chemical was xxxxx.
The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?"
He feels the conclusion is obvious.
The chemical in question is WATER -- "hydrogen hydroxide."
The local bar patrons were so sure that their
bartender
was the strongest man around that they offered a standing
$1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all
the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to the bet taker.
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the
lemon, would win the money.
Many people had tried over time, (weight lifters,
longshoremen,
etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came
in, wearing thick eyeglasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny,
squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender
said okay, grabbed
a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of
the rind to the little man.
The crowd's laughter turned to total silence
as the scrawny little man
clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops fell into the
glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked
the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a
lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The little man replied, "No, I just work for the Tax Department."
A man stumbles up to another man at a bar and asks if he
could buy
him a drink. "Of Course" answers the second man. "Where are you from?"
asks the first man. "Ireland" answers the second one. "Really,"
says the first Man, " So am I. Lets have another drink to Ireland.
What part
of Ireland are you from?" "Dublin" is the reply. "I can't believe it,
me too," says the first man. "Lets have another drink to Dublin. What
school
did you go to?" "Saint Mary's , " Says the Second man. "This is
unbelievable!" says the first man. "I went to Saint Mary's too. Lets
have
another Drink!" By this Time another regular of that Bar entered the
Bar and asks
the Bartender whats going on? "Nothing Much..." , the Bartender replies,
"The O'Malley twins are drunk again...."
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he
found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary
has
left. Can you make this thing work?
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine
on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside
the machine.
"I just need one copy."
In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers,
8 and 10
years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whenever something
went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it.
Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing
about a minister nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother
suggested to the father that they ask the minister to talk with the
boys. The father agreed.
The mother went to the minister and made her request. He
agreed, but
said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother
sent him to the minister. The minister sat the boy down on the other
side of his huge, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just
sat and stared at each other.
Finally, the minister pointed his forefinger at the boy
and asked,
"Where is God?"
The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room,
all around,
but said nothing. Again, louder, the minister pointed at the boy and
asked, "Where is God?" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.
A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the minister leaned far
across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and
asked "Where is God?"
The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his
older brother,
he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they
usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in B-I-I-I-I-G
trouble now!" The older boy asked, "What do you mean, B-I-I-I-I-G
trouble?"
His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the
Jews had to
leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish
community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate
with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews
could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realised that they had no choice. So they picked
a
middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for
one addition to the debate.
To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed
to talk.
The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat
opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed
three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The
Pope
waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the
ground
where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe
pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man
is too
good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking
him what
happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent
the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there
was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger
around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing
to
the ground and showing that god was also right here with us. I pulled
out
the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us from our sins.
He
pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer
for
everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe.
"What
happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that
the Jews
had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was
leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews.
I let
him know that we were staying right here."
And then?" asked a woman.
"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce
to a downtown
NYC bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan
officer, taken aback, requested collateral.
"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the
man said. The loan
officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking
for
safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors,
and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal,
and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a
check
and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone,
I found out you are a
millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce
in Manhattan for two
weeks and pay only $15.40?
The college football coach was in his office talking with
his
basketball coach. They were arguing over who was dumber,
a football player or a basketball player.
The football coach said " I hate to say this, but football
players
are dumber than basketball players... Watch and I'll show you"
He then called to a football player standing outside his office
and asked him to come into the office.
The player enters and the coach says to him:
"Here's 25 cents, go down the street to the car dealer and buy me
a new Mercedes Benz"
The player takes the quarter and leaves. A few minutes
later, he
comes back in and says "Hey Coach, I forgot to ask, what color
did you want?"
The football coach tells him to forget it, he's changed
his mind.
After the player leaves, the football coach says to the basketball
coach "I'm telling you, my guys are dumb!"
The basketball coach says "Not so fast, let me show you
one of my
basketball players" and promptly calls one in to the office.
The coach says to the player "Could you run down to my
office for
me and see if I'm there?"
The player starts to leave, but as he gets to the door,
he stops
short, turns around and says "Hey! There's a phone right there
on the desk ... Can't you just call down there?"
Experienced economist and not so experienced economist
are walking down
the road. They get across shit lying on the asphalt.
Experienced economist: "If you eat it I'll give you $20,000!"
Not so experienced economist runs his optimization problem and figures
out he's better off eating it so he does and collects money.
Continuing along the same road they almost step into yet
another shit.
Not so experienced economist: "Now, if YOU eat this shit I'll give
YOU
$20,000."
After evaluating the proposal experienced economist eats
shit getting
the money. They go on. Not so experienced economist starts thinking:
"Listen, we both have the same amount of money we had before,
but we both ate shit. I don't see us being better off."
Experienced economist: "Well, that's true, but you overlooked
the fact
that we've been just involved in $40,000 of trade."
Three contractors were touring the white house on the same
day. One
was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.
When they each replied that they were contractors the guard
said
"Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look
at it
and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. First up was the
Florida
contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring
and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials,
$400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his
tape measure
and pencil did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this
job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit
for me."
Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without
so
much as moving the contractor says, "$2700."
The guard, incredulous looks at him says "You didn't even
measure
like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me,
$1,000 for
you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants
by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is
left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will
attempt to prove the
existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step1
as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS
will prove the existence of at least one
unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an
actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants
by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS
modify Algorithm A by placing a
known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS
prefer to execute Algorithm A on their
hands and knees.
HARDWARE ENGINEERS hunt elephants
by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within
plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants,
but they believe that if elephants
are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first
animal they see N times and call it an
elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants,
and many have never hunted
anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those
people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS
can also measure the correlation of
hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting
strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants,
but they will share the elephants
you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants,
but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim
that they own an entire herd based on
the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH,
AND DEVELOPMENT try
hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it.
When the vice
president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure
that all possible
elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them.
If the vice
president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight
and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
SENIOR MANAGERS set broad
elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper
voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS
ignore the elephants and look for
mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants
but spend their time selling
elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship
the first thing they catch and write up
an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch
rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them
as desktop elephants.
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit
light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric
bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once
they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a
white
wick.You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put
a pencil
next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is
because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating
candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just
below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were
to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness.
This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of
the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light.
If you were
to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the
dark
leave the closet.
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
Contributed by Bev Brumell.
She is "an Associate Professor (Full-Prof Wannabe)
of Mathematics
at Suffolk County Community College, Selden NY,
which is located about
seven miles south of State University of New
York Stony Brook.
His leadership is outstanding except for his lack of ability
to
get along with subordinates.
Open to suggestions but never follows them.
Never makes the same mistake twice but it seems to me has
made
them all once.
Is keenly analytical and his highly developed mentality
could
best be utilized in the research and development field. He lacks
common sense.
He developed into a good, round staff officer.
An exceptionally well qualified officer with a broad base.
Tends to over-estimate himself and underestimate his problems,
being confused by the resulting situations.
Until called upon to write this officer's evaluation I
had not
realized that he had been posted elsewhere for the last six
months.
How to Argue and Win Every Time
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can
win an
argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and
steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great
respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply
follow these rules:
*Drink liquor.
Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding
on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're
drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang
back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls
your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover
you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a
WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing
insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed.
Some may leave the room.
*Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove
that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact
that YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let
a
bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981
dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum,
which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up
too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for
the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?"
Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left
your soiled underwear in my bathroom."
*Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way; In terms of; Vis-a-vis; Per se; As it were;
Qua;
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such
as "Q.E.D.",
"e.g.", and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you
don't."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you
want to say,
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL
win if you
say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis
Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so
to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were.
Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement.
*Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back
at
your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than
engineers
and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.
*Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously
right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say,
"That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or
"You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do
not try to
pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.
* How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as
cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
* Shouldn't they be called builts?
* How come abbreviated is such a long word?
* If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress?
* Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already know you don't have?
* Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?
* Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a
* Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?
* Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
* Why are there 5 sylables in the word "monosylabic"?
* Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
* If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We have no idea how we are going to do it.
2. AN EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED FOR A FRESH APPROACH TO
THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids right out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
4. A MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works okay, but looks very high tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS ASSURED ON DELIVERY
We are so far behind schedule the customer will be happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The thing blew up when we turned it on.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We're surprised the thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT'S STILL IN PROCESS
It's so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless.
10. WE'LL LOOK INTO IT
Screw it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE READ AND INITIAL
Let's spread responsibility around for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it
doesn't
interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this crap!
14. SEE ME, LET'S DISCUSS IT
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED
Too heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally works.
19. ENERGY SAVING
Savings are achieved when the power switch is off
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
If it breaks it's fried.
21. IT'S UNDER INVESTIGATION
I've had such a small amount of work to do
lately that I've been
blowing that particular project off, and I'm just here screwing
around!
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