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Spending Too Much Time on a Computer
Conversation of a Husband and a Wife
A Car Driving Against the Traffic
Top 25 Explanations by Programmers When Their Programmes Don't Work
*As soon as you delete a worthless file, you'll need it.
*The first place to look for a lost file is the last place you would
expect to find it.
*Important lettes that contain no errors will develop errors on the
way
to the printer.
*The easier it is to get into a program, the harder it will be to get
out.
*In a computer manual, any simple idea will be worded in the most
complicated way.
*If you hit two keys on the keyboard simultaneously, the one that you
don't want will appear on the screen.
*The computer only crashes when printing a document you haven't saved.
*If you make a copy of your system configuration nine out of ten times,
the tenth time is the only time you'll need it.
*The need for space on a disk will always exceed the available space
by
ten percent.
*The likelihood of a hard disk crash is in direct proportion to the
value
of the material that hasn't been backed up.
*There are only two kinds of computer users: Those whose hard disks
have
crashed, and those whose hard disks haven't crashed - yet.
*Don't let any mechanical device know that you're in a hurry.
*The one piece of data you're absolutely sure is correct, isn't.
Jesus and Satan got into an argument over which of them was the better
computer programmer. Finally God got tired of the bickering and told
them
that he would judge a contest between them. They each had four hours
to
write the best program they could, and then God would decide the winner.
Well, they both got right down to business, and wrote lines and lines
and
lines of code. But just before the four hours were up there was a flash
of
lightning and a tremendous clap of thunder. The lights flickered, the
power
faltered, and both computer screens went dead.
When power was restored, God declared that time was up and asked to
see the
results of their work. Jesus flipped on his computer and displayed
the most
elegant program you could imagine, with beautiful architecture and
wonderful syllogisms, triumphs of multimedia sound and pictures --
all
kinds of bells and whistles.
God asked Satan what he had created, but Satan said, "I've got nothing,
absolutely nothing. My program was twice as good as that, but I lost
it all
when the power went out. Jesus must have cheated. How could he still
have
such a great program?"
God replied, "Everybody knows -- Jesus Saves."
Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"
Dear Dr.Ruth,
I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married
to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless
of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing
E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that
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mpskdli dlks; a;ld
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cinsely ous
mdyl
Spending Too Much Time on a Computer?
My Dear Husband,
I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so
that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but
I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your
computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing
well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has
developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait
for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of
your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you
did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She
still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her
birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was
stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered
that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the
department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has
become a good friend to us all.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I
realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather
dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the
living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made
sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be
disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson,
I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I
have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away,
she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your
meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the
computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and
I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are
booting.
Love,
Your Wife
Following is a piece
of conversation of a husband who is an over
enthusiastic software professional :
Husband : ( Returning late form work ) "Good Evening Dear, I'm
now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morn...
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some
shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just
being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!...
Wife : It was a grave mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter.
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use...
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to Reboot
A Car Driving Against the Traffic
Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway.
They switch on the radio and there is a warning:
Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic.
The programmer near the driver looks at him and says:
One? There are hundreds of them.
A programmer enters an elevator, wanting to go to the 12th floor.
So, he pushes "1", then he pushes "2", and starts looking for the "Enter"....
You know your addicted to the internet when...
* You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.
* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll top to bottom.
* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.
* And even your night dreams are in HTML.
* You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au."
* Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see
a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
* All of your friends have an @ in their names.
* When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice
all of them are already highlighted in purple.
* You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
* You don't know what sex over three of your closest friends are
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
* You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom--and check your
e-mail on the way back to bed.
* You buy a Captain Kirk chair with built-in keyboard & mouse.
* You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP...because you never log off.
* The last girl you picked up was only a jpeg.
* You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair
in front of your computer with a toilet.
* You forget what year it is.
* You leave the modem speaker on after connecting because you
think it sounds like the ocean wind...the perfect soundtrack for "surfing the net".
* Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so
you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
How do you know if you're addicted to the Net and losing
touch with reality? Take the Net Addict's Reality Test:
1. What do you think are good names for children?
a) Scott and Jenny.
b) Bill Gates IV.
c) Mozilla and Dotcom.
2. What's a telephone?
a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
c) Something you plug into a modem.
3. You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
a) Visit the washroom.
b) Raid the fridge.
c) Check your E-mail.
4. When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
c) Go to Yahoo!
5. When you want to research a reference you:
a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.
6. You correct errors using:
a) An eraser.
b) White-out.
c) Backspace or delete.
7. When you don't understand how to use a new appliance you:
a) Call the retailer.
b) Call the manufacturer's toll-free number.
c) Visit the manufacturer's Web site and look for the FAQ.
8. If you really like the person, you say:
a) Could you tell me your phone number?
b) What's your E-mail address?
c) Let's chat Private.
9. When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.
10. What are RAM and ROM?
a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.
Top 25 Explanations by Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work
1. Strange...
2. I've never heard about that.
3. It did work yesterday.
4. Well, the program needs some fixing.
5. How is this possible?
6. The machine seems to be broken.
7. Has the operating system been updated?
8. The user has made an error again.
9. There is something wrong in your test data.
10. I have not touched that module!
11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time.
12. You must have the wrong executable.
13. Oh, it's just a feature.
14. I'm almost ready.
15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.
16. It will be done in no time at all.
17. It's just some unlucky coincidense.
18. I can't test everything!
19. THIS can't do THAT.
20. Didn't I fix it already?
21. It's already there, but it has not been tested.
22. It works, but it's not been tested.
23. Somebody must have changed my code.
24. There must be a virus in the application software.
25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel?
If IBM made toasters...
They would build a very versatile toaster, with the ability to roast
chickens, squeeze oranges, and change diapers as well as make toast.
Then they'd sell it for the bargain price of $5000, run an
incompetent ad campaign, and watch in bewilderment as lesser toaster
manufacturers stampeded all over them.
If Apple made toasters...
The toaster would work fine, except that you'd have to buy the bread
from Apple too. Anyone making a toaster that "looked and felt" like
Apple's toaster would yield The Mother Of All Lawsuits ... and,
unless they're Microsoft, would wind up as toast.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which requires you to
put the bread in backward, take out the toast sideways, and THEN
push the "toast" button.
If Intel made toasters...
Every year, a faster toaster would be released; Intel would claim
that it's the fastest toaster ever built. When you take it home, it
would toast no faster than last year's model. Later you'd be told
that you need to wait for "new, advanced, 32-bit bread" to take
advantage of the extra speed.
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention
of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the
documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be
expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0
installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization
where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some
applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are
no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when
selected (even though they always worked fine before).
At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of
undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release.
Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.
The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:
- A"Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to
uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.
- An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the
systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.
I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by
sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You
must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long
standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of
Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they
would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The
uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable
traces of the application in the system.
Another thing that sucks -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up
little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0
BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before
uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the
uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming
insufficient resources.
BUG WORK-AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware
of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses
that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under
an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be
downloaded from the UseNet.
GirlFriend 3.1 / GirlFriend Plus 1.0 / Wife 1.0
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to
Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, has taken all his space; and
Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he didn't
ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0...
- A "Don't remind me again" button
- Minimize button
- Shutdown feature
- An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely
uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
- "Abort" button (O.K. that one's pretty bad - but had to say it)
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they
tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall
Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to
uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.
Another thing that really sucks is that in all versions of Girlfriend that I've
used, it is totally "object orientated" and only supports hardware with
gold plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before
doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
claiming insufficient resources.
1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out
of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive.
Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week.
Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful
magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic
shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When
waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will
allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access
time.
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive.
"Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data
can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate
mechanics of the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the
xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up,
simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update
a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive
while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared
or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains
flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your
system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins
before being allowed access to the slot.
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space,
remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes.
This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for
more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape
to prevent loss data.
8. Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more
holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous
access points to the disk.
9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses,
provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe
the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The
data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end
up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your
document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however,
provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent
system bugs from spreading.
First there was God. He was quite lonely so he created Dennis.
Dennis was unimpressed with God.
So,... God created Brian.
But, Brian got bored with God.
So Brian and Dennis started playing, and they created C. God saw C,
and saw that it was good. So he decided to let Brian and Dennis play
some more.
Then Brian and Dennis created Unix. God saw Unix, and he was jealous.
So he created Bill to torment Brian and Dennis and obscure their
creation (for God could not destroy Unix, for he secretly admired
its perfection).
So Bill created Microsoft. And Microsoft created Windows. And God saw
that it was bad, but it had market share, so he was happy. Then Bill
got cocky, and his ego got bigger than God's. So to knock Bill down a
couple of pegs, God put into effect, a wondrous plan.
First God created Tim. And Tim created the World Wide Web (using
Unix, of course). This was good, but not THAT good. So God created
Marc. Marc created Mosaic (using Unix, of course). Mosaic created a
huge feeding frenzy that has got a lot of people who are reading this
their jobs.
But that's a different story. Mosaic was good, and God saw it was
good, so he allowed Marc to start Netscape. Back to this later.
But all this time Brian and Dennis started to make something better
than Unix called Plan 9 (because God was successful in foiling Brian
and Dennis' previous seven plans [there was no Plan 8 because Brian
and Dennis pulled the wool over God's eyes and just jumped to Plan 9,
which was too bright a move for even God to figure out.] )
Eventually, God figured out how to create Larry.
No one knows how or why he created Larry, except perhaps to reduce
productivity at the Jet Propulsion Labs at NASA. [Rumors are that God
created Larry because he secretly liked what Dennis and Brian had done
with C, but didn't think C and Unix was enough -- this probably isn't
true because God believed he had destroyed Brian and Dennis' plans by
destroying Plans 1-7, and by creating Microsoft to slay their beloved
Unix.
Anyhow, Larry created Perl (using Unix and C, of course), and God saw
it was good, so he made Randal. Larry and Randal wrote books about
Perl. And everyone saw that this was good, except snobs who were too
much into C, Windows, and Intel. (It so happens that Randal was so
cool he figured out a way to break into Unix at Intel, and Intel sued
him for it but that's another story also -- chances are Randal would
not have been able to break into *Plan 9* at Intel, but Intel isn't
cool enough to be running Plan 9)
Anyhow, back to Randal. So Randal and Larry wrote books, but they had
to be nice because of the people they worked for. So then came Tom.
But back to Tom later.
Anyhow, God saw Netscape (made using Unix and C, of course), and he
saw it was good, and that annoyed Bill quite a bit. And that made Him
very happy, and made Marc very rich. But Bill was very very rich. But
that's a *completely* different story.
But as good as Larry's creation, Perl, was, it couldn't do everything,
so God created Scott. Scott announced Java, and this was big news. Now
Java really pissed Bill off, because Bill also created Blackbird, and
Java killed Blackbird. This was bad because killing Blackbird also
meant killing the Microsoft Network. And many rejoiced over that, but
that, too is another story.
Now Java, obviously had done much to annoy Bill. For Java was so good
that Bill had to license Java. All this time, Scott poked lots of fun
at Bill because Sun, which was where Scott worked, made a better OS,
derived -- of course -- from Unix, which was better than Bill's and
Microsoft's Windows.
Anyhow, even God's creations Steve and Steve who created Apple
couldn't make Bill license the much superior MacOS. But finally, Bill
had to license Java. So justice was served, and Bill's ego was served
him on a platter for him to eat his words. Or something. That part is
unclear.
So by this time Windows and Microsoft and Bill in general really
sucked. Especially considering the advantages that Brian and Dennis'
C and Unix, running Marc's Netscape and Mosaic over Tim's World Wide
Web, doing cool CGI stuff with Larry's Perl, which you learned from
Randal and Tom, and got to program with Scott's Java.
And God realized he had put Bill down too far. So then God made it so
that Marc's Netscape and Mosaic could run on Windows. We already know
that Bill had to license Java from Scott. We know that Bill missed
the boat for not beating Tim to the punch on the World Wide Web. The
last straw was for God to make it possible for Larry's Perl to run on
Bill's Windows.
So back to Tom. Tom was a Perl God. And God didn't like this, but
Tom's a God so there isn't much God could do, so He couldn't stop Tom
from saying things like "install an operating system on your poor
lonely computer the way God and Dennis intended", and "Espousing the
eponymous /cgi-bin/perl.exe?FMH.pl execution model is like reading a
suicide note -- three days too late."
The moral to the story? God is fickle. That's why Microsoft and Bill
and Windows exists. Do what God intended, install C, Unix,
Mosaic/Netscape, Java, and Perl on your system, and make Brian,
Dennis, Larry, Tim, Tom, Randal, Scott, and even Steve and Steve,
I'm sure, happy by doing so.
Oh yeah, Linus was cool too. He's the guy you thank for being able to
run all the cool stuff on your crappy little Pee Cee. (anything with
x86 on it, by default, is crappy, no PERSONAL flames intended)
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